An Inch of Nothing For Your Soul
by HeartoftheNighte
Summary: His life is about the things he isn't supposed to do and never once about the things he wants to do. So yeah, its easy to see why she's in love with him. But no one ever said it was easy. A char. study from the POV of an OFC. Drabble-ish and slash free. Oneshot. Part of the "There Are Many Like It But This One Is Mine Series".


**A/N:** Cuz I can't post a story without an explanation :p Just gonna have to deal with it. Or skip it I suppose. Definitely an option.

Anyway, supposed to be working on something else for this verse, which goes AU after season 2. Mmmkay, just before Season 2 ended anyway. I cut out the Alpha Pack thing in this verse, which this story makes no mention of. Yeah, whole lot of explanation for nothing. That's me. Moving on.

My OFC who is a werewolf, has been for a long time, thinking about Derek. Yep. Just that. Drabble-ish I suppose.

Title from an E.E. Cummings poem you can find if you paste the title of this story into google. (Is it just me or does he write awesome werewolf relate-able poems or what? Seriously. Things like "the shocking fuzz of you're electric fur" and stuff. Which is the title of an awesome girl!Stiles/Derek story you should so totally check out. On AO3)

Hope you enjoy!

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Cadie thinks its easy to see how she fell in love with him. She realizes Stiles will disagree (_has_), but its all out there and plain to see. Or perhaps only to a seriously screwed up werewolf like herself, but still. Its Derek and that should be explanation enough. Its not, but it should be.

She'd be lying if she said she hadn't noticed how attractive he was and no one would need to hear the frantic hitching of her heart to detect it. Not noticing would be a sin that not even blindness could excuse. Its hard to admit sometimes that the physical attraction threw her through a loop, but its what caught her attention when all she'd been running on when near him was fear and trepidation. Nothing of his doing and everything to do with Andrew. Feeling an equally strong dual of emotions that consisted of wanting to press in close and lick a long stripe up his neck or running and hiding with her tail between her legs did not help with the adjusting process. Like at all. And he must have sensed that, everything, but he never mentioned it, never gave any hint that he knew how messed up she was. Instead he'd just be there, quiet and silent when she needed it and roaring her wolf into submission when everything became a little too much. He was there, always. That was the second thing she noticed, even when she didn't want to.

He was loyal to a fault, to the point of stupidity. And how some one could be that steadfast to people (_wolves_) he didn't even truly trust, she didn't know. It was a conflict of the universe, a meltdown of the balance he always preached about. But pack was everything to him even when he wasn't anything to them. Yeah, that caught hard against her heart and stayed there. Probably for forever.

He didn't reveal a goddamn thing and apparently she had a kink for the non expressive mysterious types. Go figure.

He felt everything. How he did that without ripping apart from the inside out she didn't know. All she did know is that it made her want to crawl up to him and wrap him tight in her arms and protect him. From everything. And that was ridiculous. He was Derek Hale, indestructible. Unbreakable. He survived stuff that no one should have, could have. Soldiered on without complaint, taking the blows and forging on. It made her want to tackle him to the ground and hold him there so he'd stop punishing himself for things he couldn't change.

He was stubborn and proud and had a wall of China around his emotions and desires. All that ever leaked through was _Pack. Pack. Pack. Pack._ But whereas the others didn't quite understand, she read the words within. _Home. Comfort. Family. Love. Trust. Need. Love. Home. Family. Love. Family. Need. Need. Needneedneed._ They couldn't understand and fulfill so she did her best to cover everything and make them understand the nuances of a single noun. She knows he sees her efforts and that he understands that she does. In the end, that will be enough for her. It has to be.

He's so fucking clueless about how head over heels she really is. He'd freak the hell out and stay the hell away from her if he had an inkling. But he's rocking the _I'm-such-a-freaking-pile-of-crap-that-no-one-could-possibly-love-me_ thing that he hasn't got a clue. And that's really okay with her because she doesn't know how she'd handle him knowing. Plus, this way she gets to drown him in food and attention without worrying he's reading to much into it.

He's beyond clueless when it comes to how she feels about him. She thinks he must see an extension of Stiles who is just an extension of Scott so that she's freaking invisible. One of these days, its going to kill her.

When no one is looking the walls break down and his heart and soul flood out. The pieces that Kate tore to shreds and he found, scattered, and the aching emptiness of his family and the cloying guilt sticking to everything like oil. Suffocating and thick, unwashable. Sometimes she thinks he holds onto it because its all he has left. Sometimes she thinks its because its all he is anymore.

He smirks but he never smiles and Jackson can laugh all he wants at the difference, but they both know its true. A smirk is a confirmation of smugness, arrogance. A smile is an irresistible response to joy, happiness. Its not a grimace forced onto unwilling features. Its spontaneous and true and it never happens on those sharp features. There's faked versions and faltered attempts, but its never there and the _why_ tears at her whenever she sees the false others.

He lets her in when he knows he shouldn't and pushes her away when he knows he shouldn't. His life is about the things he isn't supposed to do and never once about the things he _wants_ to do because he's been down that road. And it will never leave him.

He understands like the others haven't quite grasped, what it is to be a werewolf. To live in a dual world of senses and thought. Analytical and instinctual. Opposites and yet a balance. The others, young as they are, swing between the highs of the spectrum, ruled by human or wolf in turns. But him and her? They exist in both, always. It keeps them grounded in both realities and eases the struggle between. When it comes down to day to day living all they have is each other to fall back on.

He catches her when she falls even though sometimes he's the one that pushes her over the edge. He listens to her and he grows into what he wasn't meant to be, but what is now his fate. He argues and he resists and he has to try the hard way first before he takes the easy answers. He's angry and broken and it rips him into decisions he shouldn't make. And then tears him into trying to fix it and sometimes he can't and that never leaves him. It tears him up inside and sits nestled next to all the guilt and the other mistakes he's made. But he gets up again and starts over. Never stops fighting and there's something to be said for stupid stubbornness. At least to her.

So yeah, its easy to see why she's in love with him. But no one ever said it was easy.

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**A/N:** Why yes, I do have a thing for the emotionally ruined antihero broody type. Whatever made you think that by the way? :p

If you liked or didn't, let me know. I get a kick out of the **Review Alert **emails either way. Yeah, I know I'm an attention ho. Sue me though the legal case will cost more than you'll ever get. ;P

Leaving now

Peace


End file.
